When I was young, I conflated racism with prejudice and open hatred. I believed that only “bad people” were racist. As a result, I did not recognize my parents’ or relatives’ racial jokes and slurs as evidence of not only prejudice, but also actively perpetuating racism by overtly and covertly sending them message that white people were better than people of color. I internalized this message and I am actively working on unlearning that racism today. Additionally, because of how I was raised, it took me until college to begin to recognize and see the way systems have worked to continue to oppress people of color. My childhood experience can be summarized in the following quote by Scott Woods:

The problem is that white people see racism as conscious hate, when racism is bigger than that. Racism is a complex system of social and political levers and pulleys set up generations ago to continue working on behalf of whites at other people’s expense, whether whites know/like it or not. Racism is an insidious cultural disease. It is so insidious that it doesn’t care if you are a white person who likes Black people; it’s still going to find a way to infect how you deal with people who don’t look like you. Yes, racism looks like hate, but hate is just one manifestation. Privilege is another. Access is another. Ignorance is another. Apathy is another. And so on. So while I agree with people who say no one is born racist, it remains a powerful system that we’re immediately born into. It’s like being born into air: you take it in as soon as you breathe. It’s not a cold that you can get over. There is no anti-racist certification class. It’s a set of socioeconomic traps and cultural values that are fired up every time we interact with the world. It is a thing you have to keep scooping out of the boat of your life to keep from drowning in it. I know it’s hard work, but it’s the price you pay for owning everything.

It is becoming increasingly apparent that we cannot just teach children to be kind and inclusive. One reason is that we do not operate on a level playing field. Although our family may face some stigma due to being queer, we have also inherited safety and security due to our white privilege. We need to teach our children to be actively anti-racist, and we need to be actively anti-racist ourselves.

According to Curious Parenting, “Anti-racism recognizes that racist beliefs have permeated our culture and created systemic problems. Rather than just talking about it, anti-racism asks that we actively work against it.” This means teaching Pidge and Peach that skin color deeply affects how people view each other. It means not hedging when describing the ways that people of color have been treated and systemically disadvantaged. It means using media to point out examples of racism and stereotypes, it means expanding our library and resources, and it means giving Pidge and Peach contextual examples of their privilege.

A little light reading for Baby Pidge

Our small town in Vermont held a protest against police brutality, specifically after the murder of George Floyd. We wore masks, practiced extreme social distancing, and attended the protest with the kids. Before we went, we talked about why we were going. We explained, in toddler terms and with sensitivity to age, what happened to George Floyd and how skin color influenced that interaction. We discussed a little bit about what racism is, and why it is wrong. At the protest, Pidge held a sign. One side of the sign read, “Black Lives Matter. Say his name: George Floyd.” The other side read, “Toddlers against racism.” Pidge was respectful and quiet during the 9 minutes of silence we observed. She listened when the speaker stated the names of several people of color who have recently been killed by police. She later asked questions about the protest and about the things that were said at the protest, and we were able to engage in meaningful dialogue about it. I am looking forward to continued dialogue as my wife and I expand our knowledge of how to engage in effective anti-racism work with children.

June 6th was my anniversary with my wife. On June 6th, my wife and I celebrated 11 years, 2 kids, 2 dogs, 2 cats, beautiful careers, a beautiful home, and most of all, each other.

It was not lost on us that we are able to celebrate because of the sacrifices of those who came before us. Beneath the rainbows and pithy slogans that color Pride month every June, lies the blood, sweat, tears, and bodies of activists. We experience safety, security, happiness, and love because of people who rioted. They risked everything, and often lost everything, so that we can have everything.

Right now, the fight is for black lives. Of course, this has been a fight all along, but it is especially true today. Stonewall was a riot, and I have reaped the benefits. May today’s riots be a catalyst for the safety, security, access, and justice people of color have been denied for so long. May I take it upon myself to learn how to help, and then help. One way to do that is to raise anti-racist children. It is the least I can do.