We are meeting with our donor next week to sign a new contract. We are going to try for another baby. This time, if all goes to plan, I will carry the next child.

There’s part of me that thinks it won’t work. That I might not be able to get pregnant. Why don’t I think it will work? I am not really sure. Maybe it is because I am in my late 30’s. Maybe it is because I am still breastfeeding Pidge and I still do not have a period (which, I am told, does not mean that I am not ovulating). Maybe it is because the reality of getting pregnant and birthing a child is so utterly foreign to my body that I cannot imagine it actually happening.

Pidge will be a great big sister. She has been pining to have another baby around. We got her a baby doll for Christmas this year. She was thrilled. It was hands-down her favorite gift. She lights up when she says “baby.” She carries her life-sized doll around, rocks the doll, tucks the doll in at night, sings to the doll, and kisses the doll. Like I said, she’ll be great.

But how will I be as the gestational mother? My wife did it so beautifully. She grew the most amazing person I have ever met inside her body and when it came time to give birth, she did it with grace and dignity in our very own home. Will I wear pregnancy and birth as well? I am trying not to compare. They say comparison is the thief of joy. I know I will have to just take it in stride and do the best I can for myself and for my family.

My family.

Right now my family is my wife, Pidge, and me. But my family and my heart can grow. We can add to our happy home. And next week is the first step.

Here we go again.